Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
