we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we're so committed to being not committed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I did not marry a roomba.
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