It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
