When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize