K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
