You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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