omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
