is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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