Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
