I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
