dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
