didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
