Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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