I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
