I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
