I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
