so that wasnt chicken after all
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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