I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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