I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
should my penis look like a turkey
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize