My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
