I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
