Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
