maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
