Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize