Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
