I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
