I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
