worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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