I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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