hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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