Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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