you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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