Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
