This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
