Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
