so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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