my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
