Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
