Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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