i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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