Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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