i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
