Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
