Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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