She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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