Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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