If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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