I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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