His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
