Don't make out with my wife yet
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
