I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
