I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
