I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize