it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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