I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
