I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pants are for mortals
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
