take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
