she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
