Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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