Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
