Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
its liver damage thursday
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