My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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