i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
