I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize