You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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