Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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