so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
