she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
