I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize