I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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