I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
